so i've realized a couple of things about myself recently. i really am i difficult person to have in your life. i'm a flip-flopper. one minute i'm happy, and the next i'm not. one minute you're my best friend, and we're planning to be in each other's lives forever, and then the next i don't really want anything to do with you. it's quite sad actually. i think i get so caught up in my feelings and emotions that i don't really recognize the flaws that a person may have and once those feelings dissipate a bit, the flaws are all up in my face and it pisses me off. OR it could be that now i'm just realizing some things about the people i want in my life and those that i don't. ehh...it's definitely complicated and i need to change some things about myself. anyway, i'm annoyed at the moment so i'ma write later!

So...a new year has finally begun. I'm so excited for the new possibilities of another year. Unfortunately i'm like a lot of other people. I wait for the new year to make changes which i think is dumb. haha. but i guess it's kinda easy, because everyone else is changing at the same time. all i kno is that i gotta take every moment that i spend breathing on this earth and do something amazing. it's time to better myself for me, my family and all my people! i really do feel that if i stay focused, big things are on the way. can't wait. i'm ready to stay focused and on my grind this year.

This year's theme song: Moment 4 Life- Nicki Minaj Ft. Drizzy

LET'S GET IT 2011!!!!!!!

Chicago

I have to say that Chicago was pretty great. I got to see Lake Michigan. It made me so happy. I felt like I was looking out at the ocean. It was beautiful. It was really nice spending time with ubai with no real distractions. i know now that we'll always be ok. we can do it together. i was able to rely on him and he was there for me when i was freaking out. i appreciated that and i needed to see that. i love him.

let's see what else was great about that trip. it was cool being able to experience some things that i never have before. the roof was a nice change and it reminded me that i don't have to be so boring. i can do things and still be me. i can be very social and i enjoy doing things. it was also pretty cool going to the film festival. i've never been to one. being in the city for a few days made me think that i'd like to be in a bigger city at some point. i love having access to just about everything that i need. bigger muslim populations would be nice. people that look like me and sound like me and grew up like me too is nice.

last but not least, i have to say that the best part of the trip for me was reconnecting with nati. sometimes things are so messed up, or we are so messed up that we don't see the good we have in front of us. neither of us was ready to be friends for lots of reasons. we were too messed up, but i hope all of that is done now. we had a short time, but had a couple of good, and necessary talks. i needed that, but it didn't know how much i did. i missed my best friend for a long, long time. i just didn't realize how much. sometimes we have soul mates. i have a few. some get different parts of me. she gets the part i've been looking for for a while. i didn't even know i had missed it.

So grateful i was able to go. thank you, god. thank you chicago, for reminding me of what i needed in my life. <3

never thought the mistakes i have made in the past would make me feel so damn guilty today. i'm not perfect, and there is no way i could have known. sometimes i wish i wasn't so stupid. that i didn't let my emotions get in the way of my life, my relationships. i'm glad i have a second chance. more like a 6th chance. i'm so damn stubborn. i feel like i let you down. i should have been there for you through everything. that's what best friends do. but i'm always quitting. that's weak. i've let so many people down by being this way. that shit stops today. love you.

shoutout!!!

i just have to give a shoutout to an amazing friend that i have. she is by far one of the greatest people i have had the pleasure of meeting in my 23 years. she is kind and compassionate, but really funny too. i enjoy her positive energy and i hope it rubs off on me! there is a lot more i could say, but i won't right now. thank you for being so special. i love you!

i'll never be ready for the funeral

i sit here writing this with a heavy heart. i won't write much this evening, but what i will write will be profound, despite the lack of words. i miss him. my heart breaks with every passing day that he isn't around. for the rest of my life my brother will miss every important event. he's already missed my wedding, my graduation, and if i'm so fortunate to bring lives into this world, he'll miss the birth of my children. i went to see him at the cemetary today. i can never stay long enough to utter anything of real importance. it's too painful and i know i should say more, but i can't. i am so selfish. damn it. i don't get any of this. why did it go down like this? why am i left to carry this all alone? the destruction of ayesha started 37 months ago. i can't imagine ever being whole again. i'm sorry, but i want to forget about you tonight, jamil. love you.

Friendship??

So yesterday some things became really clear to me. Some were about me and some were about the people i have let into my life. I realized that i don't like to make mistakes. I wanna be damn near perfect, but I really do have a lot to learn and there is so many places where I need to grow in all of my relationships. I guess when I'm the one giving out the advice all of the time no one is really there to critique me. I think I like it that way. Maybe that's why I don't open up so much. It kind of puts me on a different level. But when you begin to open up to people, your flaws become so aparent to them and they then have the right to call you on your bullshit.

Man, Anjelica really got me yesterday. And it was exactly what I needed to snap out of my ridiculous and somewhat immature funk/cry for help/starved for attention state. I hate that she was right. I tried to be pissed for a while, but I knew I couldn't counter her on most of what she said about me. I hate that. I think I'm embarassed to be honest. I hate looking weak and needy. AND I hate that she figured me out. I thought I was really good at hidng all of that. Or maybe it's just that I let her in and she's just as insightful as me. It's definitely a scary place to be...being open like that. I see that as a weakness. Who needs people, right? Most of us do and I'm no exception to that.

Since the last week was so damn crazy, and I was so overwhelmed, I let my guard down with a couple of people and let them into my mind, my heart and my world. Very seldom do I let others enter that place. For those who've helped me, I appreciate that and I appreciate you. I'm learning that to receive that connection that I want from others, that I have to let them in. Like really let them in. I have to be vulnerable. I have to actually share my feelings. I hope that I can trust them and continue to let them in, so that we can actually have a real friendship. Not that one-sided shit I'm used to being a part of. Well, I think I'm done for now. I love you guys. Well really, Lauren, because no one else is reading this haha.