i'll never be ready for the funeral

i sit here writing this with a heavy heart. i won't write much this evening, but what i will write will be profound, despite the lack of words. i miss him. my heart breaks with every passing day that he isn't around. for the rest of my life my brother will miss every important event. he's already missed my wedding, my graduation, and if i'm so fortunate to bring lives into this world, he'll miss the birth of my children. i went to see him at the cemetary today. i can never stay long enough to utter anything of real importance. it's too painful and i know i should say more, but i can't. i am so selfish. damn it. i don't get any of this. why did it go down like this? why am i left to carry this all alone? the destruction of ayesha started 37 months ago. i can't imagine ever being whole again. i'm sorry, but i want to forget about you tonight, jamil. love you.