Friendship??

So yesterday some things became really clear to me. Some were about me and some were about the people i have let into my life. I realized that i don't like to make mistakes. I wanna be damn near perfect, but I really do have a lot to learn and there is so many places where I need to grow in all of my relationships. I guess when I'm the one giving out the advice all of the time no one is really there to critique me. I think I like it that way. Maybe that's why I don't open up so much. It kind of puts me on a different level. But when you begin to open up to people, your flaws become so aparent to them and they then have the right to call you on your bullshit.

Man, Anjelica really got me yesterday. And it was exactly what I needed to snap out of my ridiculous and somewhat immature funk/cry for help/starved for attention state. I hate that she was right. I tried to be pissed for a while, but I knew I couldn't counter her on most of what she said about me. I hate that. I think I'm embarassed to be honest. I hate looking weak and needy. AND I hate that she figured me out. I thought I was really good at hidng all of that. Or maybe it's just that I let her in and she's just as insightful as me. It's definitely a scary place to be...being open like that. I see that as a weakness. Who needs people, right? Most of us do and I'm no exception to that.

Since the last week was so damn crazy, and I was so overwhelmed, I let my guard down with a couple of people and let them into my mind, my heart and my world. Very seldom do I let others enter that place. For those who've helped me, I appreciate that and I appreciate you. I'm learning that to receive that connection that I want from others, that I have to let them in. Like really let them in. I have to be vulnerable. I have to actually share my feelings. I hope that I can trust them and continue to let them in, so that we can actually have a real friendship. Not that one-sided shit I'm used to being a part of. Well, I think I'm done for now. I love you guys. Well really, Lauren, because no one else is reading this haha.