Chicago

I have to say that Chicago was pretty great. I got to see Lake Michigan. It made me so happy. I felt like I was looking out at the ocean. It was beautiful. It was really nice spending time with ubai with no real distractions. i know now that we'll always be ok. we can do it together. i was able to rely on him and he was there for me when i was freaking out. i appreciated that and i needed to see that. i love him.

let's see what else was great about that trip. it was cool being able to experience some things that i never have before. the roof was a nice change and it reminded me that i don't have to be so boring. i can do things and still be me. i can be very social and i enjoy doing things. it was also pretty cool going to the film festival. i've never been to one. being in the city for a few days made me think that i'd like to be in a bigger city at some point. i love having access to just about everything that i need. bigger muslim populations would be nice. people that look like me and sound like me and grew up like me too is nice.

last but not least, i have to say that the best part of the trip for me was reconnecting with nati. sometimes things are so messed up, or we are so messed up that we don't see the good we have in front of us. neither of us was ready to be friends for lots of reasons. we were too messed up, but i hope all of that is done now. we had a short time, but had a couple of good, and necessary talks. i needed that, but it didn't know how much i did. i missed my best friend for a long, long time. i just didn't realize how much. sometimes we have soul mates. i have a few. some get different parts of me. she gets the part i've been looking for for a while. i didn't even know i had missed it.

So grateful i was able to go. thank you, god. thank you chicago, for reminding me of what i needed in my life. <3

never thought the mistakes i have made in the past would make me feel so damn guilty today. i'm not perfect, and there is no way i could have known. sometimes i wish i wasn't so stupid. that i didn't let my emotions get in the way of my life, my relationships. i'm glad i have a second chance. more like a 6th chance. i'm so damn stubborn. i feel like i let you down. i should have been there for you through everything. that's what best friends do. but i'm always quitting. that's weak. i've let so many people down by being this way. that shit stops today. love you.

shoutout!!!

i just have to give a shoutout to an amazing friend that i have. she is by far one of the greatest people i have had the pleasure of meeting in my 23 years. she is kind and compassionate, but really funny too. i enjoy her positive energy and i hope it rubs off on me! there is a lot more i could say, but i won't right now. thank you for being so special. i love you!

i'll never be ready for the funeral

i sit here writing this with a heavy heart. i won't write much this evening, but what i will write will be profound, despite the lack of words. i miss him. my heart breaks with every passing day that he isn't around. for the rest of my life my brother will miss every important event. he's already missed my wedding, my graduation, and if i'm so fortunate to bring lives into this world, he'll miss the birth of my children. i went to see him at the cemetary today. i can never stay long enough to utter anything of real importance. it's too painful and i know i should say more, but i can't. i am so selfish. damn it. i don't get any of this. why did it go down like this? why am i left to carry this all alone? the destruction of ayesha started 37 months ago. i can't imagine ever being whole again. i'm sorry, but i want to forget about you tonight, jamil. love you.

Friendship??

So yesterday some things became really clear to me. Some were about me and some were about the people i have let into my life. I realized that i don't like to make mistakes. I wanna be damn near perfect, but I really do have a lot to learn and there is so many places where I need to grow in all of my relationships. I guess when I'm the one giving out the advice all of the time no one is really there to critique me. I think I like it that way. Maybe that's why I don't open up so much. It kind of puts me on a different level. But when you begin to open up to people, your flaws become so aparent to them and they then have the right to call you on your bullshit.

Man, Anjelica really got me yesterday. And it was exactly what I needed to snap out of my ridiculous and somewhat immature funk/cry for help/starved for attention state. I hate that she was right. I tried to be pissed for a while, but I knew I couldn't counter her on most of what she said about me. I hate that. I think I'm embarassed to be honest. I hate looking weak and needy. AND I hate that she figured me out. I thought I was really good at hidng all of that. Or maybe it's just that I let her in and she's just as insightful as me. It's definitely a scary place to be...being open like that. I see that as a weakness. Who needs people, right? Most of us do and I'm no exception to that.

Since the last week was so damn crazy, and I was so overwhelmed, I let my guard down with a couple of people and let them into my mind, my heart and my world. Very seldom do I let others enter that place. For those who've helped me, I appreciate that and I appreciate you. I'm learning that to receive that connection that I want from others, that I have to let them in. Like really let them in. I have to be vulnerable. I have to actually share my feelings. I hope that I can trust them and continue to let them in, so that we can actually have a real friendship. Not that one-sided shit I'm used to being a part of. Well, I think I'm done for now. I love you guys. Well really, Lauren, because no one else is reading this haha.

Growing Up or Apart?

So I was watching an episode of Greek today and the theme of the episode seemed to be about coming to the end of an era (college) and having to make important decisions in life. Which direction do we go in? So it got me thinking about my life and all the things that have been going on lately.

I've been married now for a year and a half and I'm now just starting to realize how things have changed. I was one of the first of my friends to get married. Now the majority of my friends are either married, engaged or in committed relationships. It just blows my mind how things are different from a few years ago. I was always the person to be so available for my friends and now it's as though I barely have the time. I've got a husband and a full time job and the responsibilities that go along with those things. I'm starting to feel as though my friends and I are growing apart. I look at my best friends and it's suddenly hitting me just how different things acutally are.

But it brings me to the question. Are we growing up or growing apart? I feel bad when I don’t have the time, but I guess I have to accept the fact that I’m adult now and when you have certain responsibilities, a lot of free time goes out the window. Does the closeness of a friendship have to evaporate as you grow older? If losing that closeness is a prerequisite for maturing, then what do you do about it? Do you find new friends that get where you’re coming from and are on the same playing field? Am I only supposed to hang out with friends that are in committed relationships? Do I really have to lose one of my best friends, because he isn’t married? Or because I’m not single? Do I have to be replaced, becuase I don't have as much time as I used to? Sometimes one friend has to carry more of the load than the other. Well at least that's how I've always thought of it. But it doesn’t seem fair. And I know that I’m pretty much rambling right now. Some days I just miss how simple things were five years ago. I was on the precipice of so much change at the time, getting ready to head off to college, yet it seemed much easier and less complex. I knew exactly what I had to do. School and friends were it for me. It wasn’t about my career or my husband or bills. I guess to have good things in life you have to sacrifice. I just wish I didn’t have to sacrifice friends or the intimacy that goes along with relationships. I have the feeling I’m about to find out what my friendships are really made of and who I can really depend on to be there for me when it counts.