shoutout!!!

i just have to give a shoutout to an amazing friend that i have. she is by far one of the greatest people i have had the pleasure of meeting in my 23 years. she is kind and compassionate, but really funny too. i enjoy her positive energy and i hope it rubs off on me! there is a lot more i could say, but i won't right now. thank you for being so special. i love you!

i'll never be ready for the funeral

i sit here writing this with a heavy heart. i won't write much this evening, but what i will write will be profound, despite the lack of words. i miss him. my heart breaks with every passing day that he isn't around. for the rest of my life my brother will miss every important event. he's already missed my wedding, my graduation, and if i'm so fortunate to bring lives into this world, he'll miss the birth of my children. i went to see him at the cemetary today. i can never stay long enough to utter anything of real importance. it's too painful and i know i should say more, but i can't. i am so selfish. damn it. i don't get any of this. why did it go down like this? why am i left to carry this all alone? the destruction of ayesha started 37 months ago. i can't imagine ever being whole again. i'm sorry, but i want to forget about you tonight, jamil. love you.

Friendship??

So yesterday some things became really clear to me. Some were about me and some were about the people i have let into my life. I realized that i don't like to make mistakes. I wanna be damn near perfect, but I really do have a lot to learn and there is so many places where I need to grow in all of my relationships. I guess when I'm the one giving out the advice all of the time no one is really there to critique me. I think I like it that way. Maybe that's why I don't open up so much. It kind of puts me on a different level. But when you begin to open up to people, your flaws become so aparent to them and they then have the right to call you on your bullshit.

Man, Anjelica really got me yesterday. And it was exactly what I needed to snap out of my ridiculous and somewhat immature funk/cry for help/starved for attention state. I hate that she was right. I tried to be pissed for a while, but I knew I couldn't counter her on most of what she said about me. I hate that. I think I'm embarassed to be honest. I hate looking weak and needy. AND I hate that she figured me out. I thought I was really good at hidng all of that. Or maybe it's just that I let her in and she's just as insightful as me. It's definitely a scary place to be...being open like that. I see that as a weakness. Who needs people, right? Most of us do and I'm no exception to that.

Since the last week was so damn crazy, and I was so overwhelmed, I let my guard down with a couple of people and let them into my mind, my heart and my world. Very seldom do I let others enter that place. For those who've helped me, I appreciate that and I appreciate you. I'm learning that to receive that connection that I want from others, that I have to let them in. Like really let them in. I have to be vulnerable. I have to actually share my feelings. I hope that I can trust them and continue to let them in, so that we can actually have a real friendship. Not that one-sided shit I'm used to being a part of. Well, I think I'm done for now. I love you guys. Well really, Lauren, because no one else is reading this haha.